A snake with an apple? Oh come on! What really ticked Him off? "Don't eat from that tree!..?".
Its a little ludicrous isn't it? I mean really! An apple? No. can't be. Not an apple. Not a tomato, or pear either.
What about sex? Was it sex? Whatever it was, surely it involved disobedience of Gods law, but what law? Through sex man creates. Could it be that creating was against God's law i.e. sex.
Yes. It had to be sex. The Bible was written by Jews and Jews are all about sex. The Japanese and Chinese don't think anything's important about sex. To them its simply another bodily function. No stigma at all to them. No Jews in China or Japan. So here's how it really went down.
"I am the creator or all things and stuff. Not you. So wander around in this here garden I created for you."
"Well, What will I do God? Just wander around?"
"Dunno yet. I'm working on that. Just go in there and wander around for now."
So our Jew forefathers who seem to be so sensitive to sex, manifested it into an apple. And the snake? Really! Give that a think.
"Yo Eve. What's for dinner?"
Eve, munching on an apple replies: Haven't given it much thought Adam. I'm not hungry and I been thinking of other things, like why do you walk lopsided and where did we learn to speak English, and where's our belly buttons and why are our names Adam and Eve when we are in the Middle East."
"No you aren't hungry. You been stuffing yourself with apples ever since you showed up. You need to start thinking of my dinner."
Eve reaches up for another apple.
"You are looking good Hon. Matter of fact. The more I see of you, the better you look. I feel something. Haven't put my finger on it yet, but its a different kind of hunger Mama."
"Kinky Adam. I'm starting to feel something too. Do you think we can create something out of this?"
"Creation is God's gig isn't it? but Hey. come over here and squeeze me Eve. Lets see where it goes. You squeeze me and I'll squeeze you 'cause I'm starting to feel the need for something strange Baby, and you the strangest stuff around 'cause like, there ain't nobody else here".
"oh yeah Baby. Hugging has got to be good. Here. Put your arms around me. Whoa! What's that?
"Dunno Adam Honey, but I'm starting to drip.You think its gonna be ok with God?"
"Baby. at this point I don't care. Come here with that apple Momma!"
"Well, Ok. I'm not sure what this is all about but lets just hug."
"Oh yeah Sweetums. Hugging is good."
"Oh Baby. I think we are starting to create. Yeah. Thasit. Create for me Baby."
"Oh Adam. Create for me. CreateCreateCreate..procreate. "
"Got a cigarette Baby? Light me one too. Whatever that was it was great. I'm ready to do it again."
"Roll me over Adam Honey."
"HEY!... WHAT IN TA-HAIL ARE YOU TWO DOING DOWN THERE?"
"Well, not sure but it sure was swell Huh Eve. "
Eve nods in agreement.
"Well, that's my job. You're doing my job. Nobody does my job. This is my garden and I'm supposed to be doin' all the creatin'"
"Is that what you call it God? See Eve Honey. It was creating. Well we don't think its fair, you doing all the creating so we thought you wouldn't mind if we tried a little creating ourselves. Creating is fun. Isn't it Eve."
Eve takes a bite of her apple and nods pensively.
"We didn't know it was your job. We was just doing something. I mean it felt so natural. It sort of just happened."
"I was afraid of this. I should have known. You two wandering around with little to do. Idle hands, the devil's workshop. Its my fault, but I haven't invented the Xbox yet. "
"Its not like you didn't set us up for it God. I mean this is a very romantic place. Peaceful, and green and supple, and fruitful."
"Oh Baby give it to me!"
"Wait one Big Guy. God is talking and what's worse he's watchin' and apparently he don't like what he sees. Maybe he don't want us doing this."
"I don't care. Lets get it on Baby."
"NOW JUST HOLD ON THERE ADAM; GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!."
"I been getting ahold of myself. I've been getting real tired of getting ahold of myself, then she shows up. Looks like I'm not going to
have to get ahold of myself anymore. Hotdamn! Comehere Honeybunch. I loves you Baby."
"Just a damn minute! You two are jumping the gun a little. I was saving that for later. Now you've gone and spoiled my surprise. I'm kicking your asses out of the garden. And for additional punishment you have to wear these fig leaves."
"Fig leaves? Why fig leaves? Ok. What do I do with it? Pin it to my chest?
Adam looks to Eve.
"That is sort of nice Eve. Wearing it in your hair, but sort of a pain, God. Always having to make sure our fig leaves are on. What about if we just not eat apples or something? How about we just don't eat any more apples. We both love apples and that would be punishment enough, don't you think?. No fig leaves."
"Yes fig leaves. Wear them over your crotches."
"Crotches? Why?"
"Cause I said so, That's why. I got to kick you out of the garden. You are going to have to grow your own apples and fight off wild animals and stuff. These lions and tigers and other big puddy tats you been friends with? Their relatives outside the wall aren't nearly as cuddly. It won't be the same on the other side of the wall, but on the other hand you will be able to procreate to your hearts content. The flip side is that your fig leaves are easily removable at a moments notice."
"Well ok then. That can't be all that bad."
"See. I still love you my children...but I still got to kick your asses out of the garden. You want to continue procreating you have to do it outside the garden. You are on your own. I'm the only one doing any creatin' in my garden. I don't tolerate anyone creating in my garden but me, so you got to leave. Tell you what. Your choice. Stay in the garden and be nice, no more playing hide the sausage, or get the hell out and screw yer brains out. What'll it be?
"Which way is the main gate?"
"Hang on Adam. This is a nice place."
"Eve...!!?
"Its been nice knowing you God."
"Ok. Put on yer fig leaves and get the Hell out then. Can't control yourselves then get the Hell out. Make like a fig tree and leave. Leave! Get it? Leave? Fig leave?. Ha Ha. Never let it be said God doesn't have a sense of humor."
"Yeah. That's a real thigh slapper Big Guy."
I love you...but don let the gate hit you in the butt. Frankly, I'm disappointed.
"Ok. He's disappointed but I got a nice spot all picked out over here Eve. Just outside the gate."
"Oh Adam. How romantic. This is nice. King size bed made out of bird feathers. How did you do this so quickly? I think maybe its going to be ok outside the garden."
"Sure Baby. Its going to be ok. I love you. Lets try out the bird feathers. I got some candles already lit. You like wine. Here Sugarlips. I've brewed up some applewine. Have some wine. Ok enough wine. Over here on the feathers ok?"
"Do you think God will mind?"
"Who cares what God minds Eveeekins. He done kicked us out. In the garden we had eternal life. Now we got to make hay while the sun shines. So long as we wear these fig leaves sometimes he probably doesn't care. Uhh Munchkins, yer still wearing yours. Wouldn't you feel a little more comfy in something else? ..like nothing? After we get done in a week or two we can put them back on and everything will be cool Baby. Here, let me get you into something more comfortable. C'mon Mama, lets Mambo!"
"Oh Adam. I love it when you talk dirty."
"Yeah Baby, but your still wearing yours. Here. Lets just lie down on the King size bird feathers. Baby. Let me fluff up your pillow a little. Right here Pussums. Hang on. I'm gonna put on some Sinatra. There. Isn't that better? Ok. Here. Hon. I'll just unbuckle this fig leaf for you. See. that wasn't so bad huh. Sort of breezy in the night air. Its gonna be so good Baby. You'll see.
"You think God is watching Adam? I don't feel right God watching."
"God's always watching Baby. He's everywhere. There's no gettin rid of Him. Just relax and ,here, have some more wine."
"But He's watdhing Adam."
"Sure He's watching. I think he likes to watch. Remember what he told us before we left? 'Go forth and multiply. Go ahead. Screw your brains out. See if I care.' Remember that Sweetcheeks?"
"Well, Yes, He did say that didn't he."
"Sure he did Sugarbritches, sure he did. Like he was ordering us to do it. "Go yonder and whip it out, get it on, do it, hop on it. Ok. If it'll make you feel any better we can ask Him just to be sure, later on in the week, we'll ask Him.
"Ok Adam. If you put it that way. I suppose its my duty to obey God, and we can ask Him in a day or so."
"Sure Baby. God's Law. Day or so. Couple of days. Just keep thinking that. A few days. Sure. Next week. Yeah. Late next week. Ok. Now I'm just going to kiss your neck a little, up around the back of your ears. God told me to do this, he volunteered some pointers. He loves us. I love you Drippylips. Hozzat Butteryums? Is that good?"
"oh yes. Adam. Ohhh!..Is this what they mean by raising Cain?"
"'zackly Sweetums. Now I'm new to this just like you so tell me when you are getting tired. I've got some coffee on the boil in case you get tired Hon. If you get tired just let me know and I'll get you some super expresso. Its all about you Tootsie Pie. I put an extra 50 logs on the fire so it won't go cold. You like coffee don't you? Here, have some more wine. "....Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars....."
Its a little ludicrous isn't it? I mean really! An apple? No. can't be. Not an apple. Not a tomato, or pear either.
What about sex? Was it sex? Whatever it was, surely it involved disobedience of Gods law, but what law? Through sex man creates. Could it be that creating was against God's law i.e. sex.
Yes. It had to be sex. The Bible was written by Jews and Jews are all about sex. The Japanese and Chinese don't think anything's important about sex. To them its simply another bodily function. No stigma at all to them. No Jews in China or Japan. So here's how it really went down.
"I am the creator or all things and stuff. Not you. So wander around in this here garden I created for you."
"Well, What will I do God? Just wander around?"
"Dunno yet. I'm working on that. Just go in there and wander around for now."
So our Jew forefathers who seem to be so sensitive to sex, manifested it into an apple. And the snake? Really! Give that a think.
"Yo Eve. What's for dinner?"
Eve, munching on an apple replies: Haven't given it much thought Adam. I'm not hungry and I been thinking of other things, like why do you walk lopsided and where did we learn to speak English, and where's our belly buttons and why are our names Adam and Eve when we are in the Middle East."
"No you aren't hungry. You been stuffing yourself with apples ever since you showed up. You need to start thinking of my dinner."
Eve reaches up for another apple.
"You are looking good Hon. Matter of fact. The more I see of you, the better you look. I feel something. Haven't put my finger on it yet, but its a different kind of hunger Mama."
"Kinky Adam. I'm starting to feel something too. Do you think we can create something out of this?"
"Creation is God's gig isn't it? but Hey. come over here and squeeze me Eve. Lets see where it goes. You squeeze me and I'll squeeze you 'cause I'm starting to feel the need for something strange Baby, and you the strangest stuff around 'cause like, there ain't nobody else here".
"oh yeah Baby. Hugging has got to be good. Here. Put your arms around me. Whoa! What's that?
"Dunno Adam Honey, but I'm starting to drip.You think its gonna be ok with God?"
"Baby. at this point I don't care. Come here with that apple Momma!"
"Well, Ok. I'm not sure what this is all about but lets just hug."
"Oh yeah Sweetums. Hugging is good."
"Oh Baby. I think we are starting to create. Yeah. Thasit. Create for me Baby."
"Oh Adam. Create for me. CreateCreateCreate..procreate. "
"Got a cigarette Baby? Light me one too. Whatever that was it was great. I'm ready to do it again."
"Roll me over Adam Honey."
"HEY!... WHAT IN TA-HAIL ARE YOU TWO DOING DOWN THERE?"
"Well, not sure but it sure was swell Huh Eve. "
Eve nods in agreement.
"Well, that's my job. You're doing my job. Nobody does my job. This is my garden and I'm supposed to be doin' all the creatin'"
"Is that what you call it God? See Eve Honey. It was creating. Well we don't think its fair, you doing all the creating so we thought you wouldn't mind if we tried a little creating ourselves. Creating is fun. Isn't it Eve."
Eve takes a bite of her apple and nods pensively.
"We didn't know it was your job. We was just doing something. I mean it felt so natural. It sort of just happened."
"I was afraid of this. I should have known. You two wandering around with little to do. Idle hands, the devil's workshop. Its my fault, but I haven't invented the Xbox yet. "
"Its not like you didn't set us up for it God. I mean this is a very romantic place. Peaceful, and green and supple, and fruitful."
"Oh Baby give it to me!"
"Wait one Big Guy. God is talking and what's worse he's watchin' and apparently he don't like what he sees. Maybe he don't want us doing this."
"I don't care. Lets get it on Baby."
"NOW JUST HOLD ON THERE ADAM; GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!."
"I been getting ahold of myself. I've been getting real tired of getting ahold of myself, then she shows up. Looks like I'm not going to
have to get ahold of myself anymore. Hotdamn! Comehere Honeybunch. I loves you Baby."
"Just a damn minute! You two are jumping the gun a little. I was saving that for later. Now you've gone and spoiled my surprise. I'm kicking your asses out of the garden. And for additional punishment you have to wear these fig leaves."
"Fig leaves? Why fig leaves? Ok. What do I do with it? Pin it to my chest?
Adam looks to Eve.
"That is sort of nice Eve. Wearing it in your hair, but sort of a pain, God. Always having to make sure our fig leaves are on. What about if we just not eat apples or something? How about we just don't eat any more apples. We both love apples and that would be punishment enough, don't you think?. No fig leaves."
"Yes fig leaves. Wear them over your crotches."
"Crotches? Why?"
"Cause I said so, That's why. I got to kick you out of the garden. You are going to have to grow your own apples and fight off wild animals and stuff. These lions and tigers and other big puddy tats you been friends with? Their relatives outside the wall aren't nearly as cuddly. It won't be the same on the other side of the wall, but on the other hand you will be able to procreate to your hearts content. The flip side is that your fig leaves are easily removable at a moments notice."
"Well ok then. That can't be all that bad."
"See. I still love you my children...but I still got to kick your asses out of the garden. You want to continue procreating you have to do it outside the garden. You are on your own. I'm the only one doing any creatin' in my garden. I don't tolerate anyone creating in my garden but me, so you got to leave. Tell you what. Your choice. Stay in the garden and be nice, no more playing hide the sausage, or get the hell out and screw yer brains out. What'll it be?
"Which way is the main gate?"
"Hang on Adam. This is a nice place."
"Eve...!!?
"Its been nice knowing you God."
"Ok. Put on yer fig leaves and get the Hell out then. Can't control yourselves then get the Hell out. Make like a fig tree and leave. Leave! Get it? Leave? Fig leave?. Ha Ha. Never let it be said God doesn't have a sense of humor."
"Yeah. That's a real thigh slapper Big Guy."
I love you...but don let the gate hit you in the butt. Frankly, I'm disappointed.
"Ok. He's disappointed but I got a nice spot all picked out over here Eve. Just outside the gate."
"Oh Adam. How romantic. This is nice. King size bed made out of bird feathers. How did you do this so quickly? I think maybe its going to be ok outside the garden."
"Sure Baby. Its going to be ok. I love you. Lets try out the bird feathers. I got some candles already lit. You like wine. Here Sugarlips. I've brewed up some applewine. Have some wine. Ok enough wine. Over here on the feathers ok?"
"Do you think God will mind?"
"Who cares what God minds Eveeekins. He done kicked us out. In the garden we had eternal life. Now we got to make hay while the sun shines. So long as we wear these fig leaves sometimes he probably doesn't care. Uhh Munchkins, yer still wearing yours. Wouldn't you feel a little more comfy in something else? ..like nothing? After we get done in a week or two we can put them back on and everything will be cool Baby. Here, let me get you into something more comfortable. C'mon Mama, lets Mambo!"
"Oh Adam. I love it when you talk dirty."
"Yeah Baby, but your still wearing yours. Here. Lets just lie down on the King size bird feathers. Baby. Let me fluff up your pillow a little. Right here Pussums. Hang on. I'm gonna put on some Sinatra. There. Isn't that better? Ok. Here. Hon. I'll just unbuckle this fig leaf for you. See. that wasn't so bad huh. Sort of breezy in the night air. Its gonna be so good Baby. You'll see.
"You think God is watching Adam? I don't feel right God watching."
"God's always watching Baby. He's everywhere. There's no gettin rid of Him. Just relax and ,here, have some more wine."
"But He's watdhing Adam."
"Sure He's watching. I think he likes to watch. Remember what he told us before we left? 'Go forth and multiply. Go ahead. Screw your brains out. See if I care.' Remember that Sweetcheeks?"
"Well, Yes, He did say that didn't he."
"Sure he did Sugarbritches, sure he did. Like he was ordering us to do it. "Go yonder and whip it out, get it on, do it, hop on it. Ok. If it'll make you feel any better we can ask Him just to be sure, later on in the week, we'll ask Him.
"Ok Adam. If you put it that way. I suppose its my duty to obey God, and we can ask Him in a day or so."
"Sure Baby. God's Law. Day or so. Couple of days. Just keep thinking that. A few days. Sure. Next week. Yeah. Late next week. Ok. Now I'm just going to kiss your neck a little, up around the back of your ears. God told me to do this, he volunteered some pointers. He loves us. I love you Drippylips. Hozzat Butteryums? Is that good?"
"oh yes. Adam. Ohhh!..Is this what they mean by raising Cain?"
"'zackly Sweetums. Now I'm new to this just like you so tell me when you are getting tired. I've got some coffee on the boil in case you get tired Hon. If you get tired just let me know and I'll get you some super expresso. Its all about you Tootsie Pie. I put an extra 50 logs on the fire so it won't go cold. You like coffee don't you? Here, have some more wine. "....Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars....."
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