Selling the Paki Whitehouse

Selling the Paki White House

Hassim! Can you come to my office in the morning. I have to talk to you.

Certainly Habibe. I will be there.

Hassim spent the night wondering what Habibe wanted. He had only sold one small house in a bad neighborhood since joining the firm. He hoped Habibe wasn’t going to fire him as he walked through the office door the following morning. 

Yes Hassim. We have to sell Osama’s hideout. We have been commissioned by the District Commissar of Highhanded Underhandedness to get rid of it. He says it’s an embarrassment to the government and he wants it gone at any price so do your best, but don’t come back here without a contract.

Holy Cow! Oh! Mea Culpa I didn’t mean to cuss. Looking around for any Hindus that may have over heard him. How am I going to sell Osama’s place?

Ok. List all the good parts.

High Walls. That’s good for privacy. And barbed wire for security. Maybe sell this to someone with lots of expensive toys to protect. Save on theft insurance.

Helicopter parts to salvage. Can help pay the mortgage or the electric bill.

Brains and blood smeared on the walls. Maybe a tourist angle here.

Ok. Got to go for a sign out front.

Hey. Something that will  suck in some Muslim traffic. I think I’ll hold an open house on Friday.

Maybe I can give a free kid away with each bonafide offer.

OSAMA BIN LADEN BUT NOT FORGATEN!

(free child with each bonafide offer over 20000 Shekels.)

Wish I had some video. Those Seals could have left a little something behind. They must have known we would have to sell this place after they vacated the principle tenant. Hey! I bet they left his jammies behind. Come to think of it. I wonder if there is any underwear left. Big ebay money for Osama underwear. That’s a selling point.

OSAMA SOCKS!  Still in good shape. Please wash in cold water before use. May contain bone fragments.

Ok. My first prospect.

Good morning Sahib. Would you like a tour of the Osama House? Yessir, this is the original house which was occupied by Osama till he got Obama’ed. Here is the blood smeared courtyard showing the original Seal boot tracks in the sand. Over there is a breech in the wall where the Seals blasted their way in. It is taylor made for a large gate for you to drive your armored Rolls in for parking. Lets go inside shall we?

On the ground floor there are multiple bullet holes in the walls. We decided to leave these for the discretion of the buyer to decide whether he wants to cover them up or video tape them and go for a spot on Youtube. Over here was where one of the couriers and his wife was shot. He ran out to greet them and they shot him. He was just  off his prayer rug when he heard something outside. He looked out the window and saw movement. Hey Honey! It’s the Seals. They are here finally. What in Heaven took them so long? She responded. We been cooped up here looking after that maniacs kids  for six years now. Lets go out side and greet them. Our conquering heroes. Praise Allah they are here. Lets run outside together and surrender our AK-47s. Good idea sweetness. They look like nice boys. Bring all the ammo too.

The staircase is next.  That’s where they shot Osama’s son. He heard the ruckus and ran down the stairs to plead for one last go at one of his sisters and they plugged him. Poor guy. He was only trying to reason with them. I think these Seals weren’t so reasonable. Anyway, what is left of him and his heated desires is smeared on the wall between the 4^th and 7^th steps.

Next we come to the room where they found Osama. It is rumored that one of the seals carried a little speaker live wired through satellite to the Obama Situation Room. I hear that the last words Osama heard was: Osama Baby! This is your Obama bin laden with ma hot lead for ya.

That Sahib, concludes the tour. You probably don’t want to see the toilet. It smells the same as the kitchen. Actually its vice-versa. Well, no sense seeing the kitchen either. Waddaya think? $40,000 Shecks and its yours. Just looking? Waddaya mean just looking. I got to dump this place and fast. How about $20,000. Ok. 10k and I’ll throw in the names of every one who knew he was here. Well, yes. That is half the population of Pakistan. Think how much you could make selling their names to the CIA.

Ok. 5000 and you get the Army Academy down the street. You can have them all. Sure. Your own military academy. They actually didn’t know Osama was here. That’s how dumb our military is. But you can have the whole lot for $4500. Ok. Sold. You Sir. Got a bargin.

Habibe. I sold the dump. Yeah! Some dumb American who wants us to leave it just as it is. We don’t have to touch a thing. He has a whole team of people who are going to be staying there for a while. Yes! Yes! He says he will also take the wives and kids. He wants the whole lot…and get this. He is paying $4500 Sheks! He could have bought the whole neighborhood for that.  Anyway. He paid cash and they are already all moved in. They showed up in a caravan of black Lincoln SUVs.  They have a lot of very fancy equipment with them that he says is for mixing baby formula and that is why he needs a high wall for security. What a deal. Dumb Americans!