The Stomach Pump

Ad in Flyfishing magazine, which impressed me as the stupidist, most moronic tool I have ever seen for sale.
A Fly Fishing Stomach Pump is a quick, surefire way to solve the mystery of what insects the trout are keying on, without harming the fish.
Details

Weight 0.40 lbs

Our price: $10.95

The Stomach Pump


By The Chuck

Potential invaders from outer space seek to gauge the intelligence, emotional stability and political persuasion of earth ‘ s inhabitants.

Zorluf= commander

Zunter= #1

Zinklings= money

Zagooks= Aye Aye

Zeroowie!= expression of surprise

Zugzaks= natives of the planet Zugzak.

Zingtings= Zugzak hour

Zikadad= Zugzak 24 hour day

Zugzak= a planet so distant from earth that light from its galaxy has yet to reach earth.

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BBM= Big Blue Marble

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BPD=Blue planet Dwellers

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I’ll be in my zithaus for the next few zingtings Zunter. I want to know the moment we are in stable orbit around the blue planet.

Zagooks Zorluf!

Helmsman. Estimate time of arrival for BP orbit.

Zagooks! Stable BP orbit in 11 zingtings Zunter. Do you wish to begin establishment of the evaluation probe as soon as we enter orbit?

No. We will wait for Zorluf’s order before beginning initial probe stages for the tests.

Lets review the plan now so there will be little need for adjustments when Zorluf gives the order.

Zagooks Zunter! Initial stages involve a number of probe placements to evaluate emotional, intellectual,  and political leanings of a random sample of blue planet dwellers. We will be specifically concentrating our initial probes in what Blue Planet Dwellers call the United States. US for short. Research has shown that the US is the most powerful of all of the BP countries and so the target of our initial efforts.

What are the initial efforts? What do they consist of?

Initial plants around the country . The BPDs of the US seem to be involved in a lot of sports; fishing, basketball etc. They also have a number of sporting outlets which cater to their needs. We are placing probes in these stores.

Name one for example. Give me an idea of how you are going to approach this plan and the type of data you expect to get from it.

Zagooks Zunter! One activity that the US BPDs seem to be actively interested in is fishing. We have developed an item to be placed in their fishing stores nation wide. This item is a fishing tool and is one of the best intellectual rating detectors that our research staff has developed.  Whoever purchases this item will be classified as intellectually vapid, brain power close to zero. Whoever peruses this item for sale for more than 3 minutes will be judged to actually considering a purchase and rated simply stupid. The ones who reject it will be judged intellectually and emotionally stable. If they return to look at it again emotionally unstable, insecure, and a bit dim.  

What is this item we are going to plant in the fishing stores nationwide?

It’s a stomach pump for a fish. To the BPDs fishing is pleasurable and anyone found actually using this tool to inspect the stomach contents of a fish will be judged an airheaded moron. One would have to be far removed from any semblance of brain power to be able to be talked into inspecting fish guts on a trip whose sole initial purpose was catching fish.

Here is an example of what one of our pumps will actually look like once it is placed:
http://shop.flyfishsd.com/products/fly-rite-stomach-fish-pump?utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=googlepla&variant=81304292&gclid=CjwKEAjwhJmwBRDGsamBu8Pp7FwSJACKD1KHr7p_kaeKoYVXVy52Q72170xdQnLOfGNKTMTA653L0RoCdRfw_wcB

I still need to understand why inspecting the stomach contents of a fish is moronic.

Zagooks Zunter! The tool will be advertised as a method of learning what the fish are feeding on and thereby enabling the fisherman to bait his line with that food.

But won’t he have to catch the fish first?

Zakly Zunter. We surmise that is a question that will never dawn on someone who buys this tool.  That is why it is so effective as a moron detector. If a fisherman catches a fish they are biting on what he is throwing them. Only a moron is not going to see this. And if he does not catch any fish he will know what they are not biting on and have no fish to stomach pump. Either way there is little need for a fish stomach pump. Additionally, the thought would cross any semblance of intellect that it is a waste of very valuable fish catching time to be autopsying fish rather than having a line in the water catching them. The person using this tool will find himself inspecting the stomach contents of fish instead fishing, which is why he is out there in the first place. Only one totally void of intellect will buy one and a complete idiot will actually put it to use without eventually realizing how insane it was to pay the equivalent of a case of beer for it in the first place. We are going to price it at 13 million zinklings.  About $11 of their money. With the pump priced at approximately a case of beer, it will give us an indication of how much thought the BPD put into the purchase and allowing us to rate him of intelligence, emotional condition, and thirstiness, although thirstiness is a minor side return of little benefit to our mission study. We suspect all fishermen are thirsty.

All hail Zorluf! Greetings mighty Zorluf. You are complete in your zithaus satisfaction?

Yes. And am feeling refreshed from my brief stay. Are we in stabilized orbit yet?

Zagooks Zorluf! We are awaiting your further instructions.

Initiate cloaking for invisibility and plant the research probes. I will expect results of the first investigations in a three Zikadads. Meanwhile I will be partying in my zithaus with  Zowie, my main squeeze. Notify me as soon as the first results arrive, unless of course the zithaus door is locked shut and the phone is off the hook. In that case wait a half a zikadad. Ok. Maybe two zikadads.

A few zikadads later in the week.

Zorloff! The initial population samplings are in from the stomach pump probes. We have some peculiar results.

How so?

Well the pumps were evenly distributed in bait stores and tackle shops across the country. There are very uneven sales. Fisherman in the US state of Texas bought none of them. Did not even hesitate on the page. They may be BPDs warranting further investigation and caution before deciding to invade, but so far if we do invade it may behoove us to invade all of the BBM except Texas. The majority of the other sales seem to concentrate around tractor pull events, racetracks and Washington D.C.  We did additional studies in order to learn reasons for this odd distribution. One datam stands out above the rest. All of the purchasers in these area have the some common characteristics. Here is the full report.

Food choice: mcdonalds

Body Shape: Large and round

Physical characteristics:  Frequent Emission of body gas from two orifices.

The US BPDs are in the middle of a national election. Determination of political persuasion was made easy by simply observing their voting patterns.

Without exception so far: Democratic.

They are all peacenics. They’re Democrats Zunter, anti war, anti progress, fat, stupid layabouts with their hands out waiting to be fed. Just like some of those weenies back on Zugzak. They’re everywhere!

Zerwoowie! These results show a go for immediate invasion. Notify Zugzats base Council of BBM Invasion that given the results of our initial investigations we have found that 47 percent of the inhabitants of the US on the BBM are incapable of fighting back and therefore we are initiating immediate invasion of the BBM except for Texas. Whoop! Whoop! All hands RED ALERT, THIS IS NO DRILL, shields up, phasors armed, rig for body gas! Helmsman, Target Acquisition Washington D.C , Nascar racetracks, tractorpull arenas and Mcdonalds hamburger stands in Mississippi, and West Virginia.