Jerkitus

A study on Jerkitus

By Chuck

I’m surrounded by jerks. Most of them are too dense to even realize they are jerks. But I’m looking on the bright side. At worst its only a series of mild cases lightly sprinkled among us. I’ve never been unfortunate enough to experience full blown jerkiness. Certainly, there are more egregious infections out there. Lets explore jerkiness. We all have demons chasing us in varying degrees and they manifest themselves in some of the strangest ways. People professing to be one thing and are indeed totally the opposite. I know one holier-than-thou who, I’m sure considers himself sinless, yet the anger he harbors bubbles to the surface occasionally.  Most of us manage our demons. When his show up he throws them a party and parades them up and down the street. His case is a ‘not really his fault’ type of jerkiness.  Some research on the subject would not be uncalled for at this point: Google.

1. Sydney J. Harris wrote a tome on what a jerk is; simply called ‘Jerk’ . He states that in order to be a jerk one must be totally unaware of his nature.  He must be totally ignorant of the character flaws that generate his/her jerkiness. With the exception of the ‘not really his fault’ exception  I disagree. I submit the idea that some people are jerks in attempts to cover up character flaws that are much more serious than the ones they willingly display. They are perfectly aware of how they are being perceived and are happy that they are successfully shrouding the part of their nature that would drive them to severe pain if made public.
2. Wikipedia goes to great mathematical and calculumentous ( I made that up) lengths to explain what a jerk is, but they are talking of a physical Jerk. In a way, so am I. Maybe there is a similarity here. Their jerk is a relationship between acceleration, velocity position and time. A real jerk could not have control, or be terribly askew with any one of these if Sydney is correct, and to my way of thinking have total control of all of them. Saying something out of place in polite company, embarrassing someone on purpose could illustrate the first hint of a Jerkdom native; whether done on purpose or no.  Its possible the British had a hand in Wiki’s definition. A hint is the definition of ‘yank’ within the Wiki definition of Jerk as ‘the derivative of force with respect to time’. Their old WWII saying: “Over paid, over sexed and over here” springs to mind. Subtle, those Limeys.
3. Jerks, surprisingly can be found anywhere and everywhere. I once had a job where I moved around a lot making visits to different sites. After the first year I found myself arriving on site asking myself: ‘ok, where is he?’ My jerkmeter was in a high state of harmonic tune by the time I left that job. I kept it in my tool box though, just as a precaution for the future. No more was I going to wander home mumbling: ‘Why is he/she acting that way? What did I do’. I only had to whip out my jerkmeter to find it occasionally pegged, whereupon activation of the jerk limitation feature of my emotional defenses is auto-switched to red alert anywhere within the vicinity of the jerk. Jerkiness has no market corner on stupidity. Some are very intelligent. They will realize that you are on red alert and try to disarm your jerk limitation device by acting accommodating, well appointed and on their best behavior. Per chance once you retreat in the face of a positive reading on the Jerkmeter, Lord help you. Once the jerk senses a hole in your defense, your basic love of humankind shining through pinholes in your armor peeking through your guard…Lookout! Once a jerk always a jerk. Like stupidity, a cure has yet to be found.
4. Some techniques for handling jerks. Don’t speak to them. If they speak don’t answer them. If you have to work with them don’t speak to them off duty.  Punch in first, then answer them. Walk right by them without speaking unless they speak first. If its sewer gas or not business don’t answer. Speaking to them then is part of your job. Suggest that when they open their mouth and begin smelling something like sewer gas, to stop speaking immediately. Their breath is blowing back into their face.  You will have to say this to them off the clock which contradicts the ‘don’t speak to them off the clock technique.’ Dealing with jerks isn’t easy.  If the jerk is your boss use your own judgement and initiate the ‘how much do I really want this job’ evaluation before using the above techniques. There will be another jerk in your new job of course but he may not be your boss, but then again maybe he will be, and worse. Out of the frying pan…and You pays yer money… to coin a couple of clichés so tiring I hesitate to finish them.

5. Jerks with power. Its hard to imagine how one gets power by being a jerk. Actually its not possible. A jerk with power got there by practicing discretionary jerking. A good human being immersed in a power environment smiles down and barks up. A jerks path to power is just the opposite. Ass kissing yes men are promoted to power positions, who in turn hire and promote, you guessed it..

Outside of the job environment one of the most dangerous jerk is one with you have entered into a contract. Marriage is a legal contract. Even living with someone longer than whatever the law stipulates becomes a binding contract. If your spouse migrates to Jerkdom it can spell real trouble. Trouble you can’t walk away from, at least not without leaving some skin behind.

6.   Jerks looking for someone to hate. Here is a case where he/she has to lookout what is wished for. This jerk may one day upset someone who is capable of making the jerk wish he had never been born. Then there are those who just outright shoot people they don’t like. Giving someone the bird for making a wrong move in traffic  is being a jerk and invites varying flavors of retaliation; from simply ignoring to following the jerk home and shooting the family.  Some people, objects of jerkiness let it build. Every slight adds to a piece of their pent up emotional volcano until he eventually sees all mankind as jerks. When it blows he shoots his mother then massacres people he doesn’t know. Jerks can do real damage this way.  

7. Still not finished talking about jerks. Must give them a think for now. Oh! Today one of the three office jerks came on to me with nice, opening me up as it were. It was obvious that he sensed from my recalcitrant behavior toward him that he had gone too far in his jerkiness the day before and attempted to punch small pin holes in my soul. Sure enough as soon as he saw light shining through he couldn't resist another center punch. The word is that this one doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. Every time he passes by me he pats me somehow, always with his right hand. He always has a cheerful disposition and a positive attitude that I'm sure veils his hatred of mankind in general. I saw this behavior once before by another jerk. I was attending a local playhouse production and in the bathroom during the intermission. The man using the adjacent urinal made a big production of finishing up then stepped back across the room to the opposite wall with his arms extended out like he had accomplished some sort of miracle. He then stood there arms out like wings with an amazed look on his face. He had everyone's attention, and then he swanned out as if in heavenly flight right past the sink and through the door. Returning to my seat I saw him down toward the front rubbing his hands all over some older woman, maybe his mom or mother in law. Poor woman I thought but then if she raised that jerk maybe she deserved what she was getting.